Case No. 2026-OOPS. Presiding: the Honorable Judge . Location: the Supreme Court of Feelings.
Common Decency vs.
The defendant has been brought before this court on four serious charges. He has no lawyer, no alibi, and a very bad record of timing.
The charges
Failing to wish a happy birthday on her actual birthday.
Pleads guiltyDefending the above with "I wanted to tell her face to face." Romantic in theory. Legally worthless. A text takes four seconds.
Pleads guiltyGetting irritated and turning a conversation into a sauna.
Pleads guiltyApologizing, then adding "tone it down" in the middle of the apology. This is known in legal circles as an apology with a plot twist nobody ordered.
Pleads extremely guiltyTestimony of the defendant
Prosecutor: Why did you not text happy birthday?
Defendant: I was going to say it in person tomorrow.
Prosecutor: And the birthday is...
Defendant: Today.
Prosecutor: And "tomorrow" is...
Defendant: Not today.
Judge: Let the record show the defendant thought this through for exactly zero seconds.
The defense would like to object to something. Anything.
Character witnesses
The court will now hear from those who know the defendant best. Tap a witness to hear their statement.
For the record, I didn't know there was a trial. I'm just here for the snacks the defendant owes me. A text, a call, a carrier pigeon, I'm flexible.
I was in his hand about forty times today. I had full battery. I had signal. I had a keyboard. I'm not saying I was ready to help. I'm saying I was right there.
I saw the whole thing. I stared at him through the phone call the entire time and he still didn't get it. I have shat on the bed, the floor, even the sink this past year and I understand consequences better than he does. Also, I'd like my dinner early. It's relevant.
I was asleep for the whole incident. I woke up at "tone it down" and I have never moved so fast. I tried to stop him. Please don't ask me anything else.
Judge: The court finds all witnesses credible, and the defendant exhausting.
The court has reached a decision. The defendant is found
The sentence
Court is in recess. Jokes off for a minute.
I should have just texted happy birthday. It would have taken four seconds, and saying it in person later doesn't make it okay to skip the actual day.
When you pushed back, I got irritated instead of just admitting you had a point. Then, in the middle of apologizing, I told you to tone it down, which cancelled the whole apology. That wasn't fair to you, and I'm sorry.
You matter more to me than winning an argument about a birthday text. I'd rather be the guy who says admits when I'm wrong.
Does the court forgive the defendant?
Case dismissed.
The court has granted forgiveness. The defendant is hereby ordered to deliver one hug, effective immediately, no appeals.
The sentence handed down earlier remains in full effect.